1 00:00:15,049 --> 00:00:17,982 I cannot believe Our parents are getting married. 2 00:00:18,051 --> 00:00:19,984 When they stand up and say, 3 00:00:20,053 --> 00:00:21,986 "Till death do us part," 4 00:00:22,055 --> 00:00:24,289 They're talking about us, too. I know. 5 00:00:24,358 --> 00:00:28,293 Which means that you'll forever Be standing in my blonde shadow, 6 00:00:28,362 --> 00:00:31,463 Never victorious, always Overlooked and underappreciated. 7 00:00:31,532 --> 00:00:33,799 I'll go open the gate. 8 00:00:49,983 --> 00:00:51,416 [screams] 9 00:00:51,485 --> 00:00:53,419 [crash] 10 00:01:00,461 --> 00:01:02,828 [dialing] 11 00:01:06,033 --> 00:01:07,799 [ringing] 12 00:01:10,337 --> 00:01:14,773 Yeah. Nicole julian's house Of booze? Sam mcpherson calling. 13 00:01:14,842 --> 00:01:18,110 I'd like to order A couple dozen wine coolers. 14 00:01:18,179 --> 00:01:20,846 What do ya mean You can't deliver it? 15 00:01:20,914 --> 00:01:24,349 What do ya mean you need My sister to approve it? 16 00:01:24,418 --> 00:01:26,351 [buzzing] 17 00:01:27,988 --> 00:01:30,422 Fine. Hold on. I'll put her on. 18 00:01:30,491 --> 00:01:32,924 [buzzing] 19 00:01:37,964 --> 00:01:40,199 Yes? This is brooke mcqueen. 20 00:01:40,267 --> 00:01:41,767 [buzzing] 21 00:01:41,835 --> 00:01:44,736 Yes, please. Send the booze over 22 00:01:44,805 --> 00:01:47,238 For my irresponsible Failure of a sister. 23 00:01:47,307 --> 00:01:50,209 [buzzing] 24 00:01:50,277 --> 00:01:52,544 Thank you so much. 25 00:01:55,216 --> 00:01:57,616 [buzzing] 26 00:01:57,685 --> 00:02:00,752 [screams] 27 00:02:00,821 --> 00:02:04,288 All right! All right Already, miss brooke mcqueen! 28 00:02:04,357 --> 00:02:06,525 Miss homecoming queen! 29 00:02:06,593 --> 00:02:10,028 I know you want your dinner, Miss high-and-mighty! 30 00:02:30,584 --> 00:02:32,517 [tv off] 31 00:02:32,586 --> 00:02:36,120 [gasps] There was No need for that. 32 00:02:36,189 --> 00:02:37,256 Shut up. 33 00:02:37,324 --> 00:02:39,491 Eat your dinner Before it gets cold. 34 00:02:39,560 --> 00:02:41,159 Sam... 35 00:02:41,228 --> 00:02:44,328 There's something I need To talk with you about. 36 00:02:44,397 --> 00:02:46,130 Sam... 37 00:02:46,199 --> 00:02:49,834 We're... We're going To have to sell the house. 38 00:02:49,903 --> 00:02:52,170 Really, brooke? Why is that? 39 00:02:52,238 --> 00:02:53,505 Our investments. They've gone... 40 00:02:53,574 --> 00:02:56,875 Oh, you're a liar, brooke. You've always been a liar. 41 00:02:56,943 --> 00:03:01,647 You think anything happens in This house I don't know about? 42 00:03:01,715 --> 00:03:03,382 You're trying To sell this house 43 00:03:03,450 --> 00:03:05,984 So you can put me In a home. 44 00:03:06,053 --> 00:03:08,854 Sam, there are many Nice nursing homes 45 00:03:08,922 --> 00:03:11,323 For failed Teenage journalists. 46 00:03:11,392 --> 00:03:12,324 Oh! 47 00:03:12,393 --> 00:03:15,960 I call the shots Around here, brooke. 48 00:03:16,029 --> 00:03:18,963 It's not like It was in high school. 49 00:03:20,367 --> 00:03:23,869 You wouldn't be able To treat me this way 50 00:03:23,937 --> 00:03:26,305 If I wasn't in this chair! 51 00:03:29,676 --> 00:03:32,076 But ya are In that chair, brooke! 52 00:03:32,145 --> 00:03:34,579 Ya are in that chair! 53 00:03:37,283 --> 00:03:39,218 By the way, 54 00:03:39,286 --> 00:03:42,521 We've got rats In the cellar. 55 00:03:42,589 --> 00:03:44,523 Enjoy your dinner. 56 00:04:02,409 --> 00:04:04,208 [squeaking] 57 00:04:04,278 --> 00:04:06,110 [squeaking] 58 00:04:06,179 --> 00:04:09,748 [gasps] 59 00:04:09,816 --> 00:04:11,750 [gasps] 60 00:04:19,192 --> 00:04:21,425 Okay. 61 00:04:21,494 --> 00:04:23,728 Look, we have really Gotta talk here, brooke. 62 00:04:23,797 --> 00:04:26,230 I watched this crazy Old movie last night, 63 00:04:26,299 --> 00:04:29,000 Then I had this nightmare About driving this old cadillac. 64 00:04:29,069 --> 00:04:32,136 I ran you over. I had the same dream. 65 00:04:32,205 --> 00:04:34,439 Look, I think We're at a point, 66 00:04:34,508 --> 00:04:36,641 Subconsciously, Where our safety is at stake. 67 00:04:36,710 --> 00:04:39,811 We can't get to a point where We're gonna kill each other. 68 00:04:39,880 --> 00:04:42,581 We have to stop this wedding. 69 00:04:42,649 --> 00:04:45,516 I've been thinking, and I've Come across an interesting plot. 70 00:04:45,586 --> 00:04:47,518 Spill. 71 00:04:55,195 --> 00:04:57,162 ♪ think it over once or twice ♪ 72 00:04:57,230 --> 00:04:59,664 ♪ what lasts the longest in this life ♪ 73 00:04:59,733 --> 00:05:03,935 ♪ character or rock-hard thighs ♪ 74 00:05:04,004 --> 00:05:06,437 ♪ in the end do you believe ♪ 75 00:05:06,506 --> 00:05:08,840 ♪ that beauty lies in what you see ♪ 76 00:05:08,909 --> 00:05:10,909 ♪ 'cause if you do, then, baby ♪ 77 00:05:10,977 --> 00:05:12,577 ♪ you've been deceived ♪ 78 00:05:12,646 --> 00:05:15,614 ♪ well, me and b ♪ 79 00:05:15,682 --> 00:05:19,618 ♪ we hate supermodels ♪ 80 00:05:23,223 --> 00:05:28,927 ♪ it's just that I'm tired of being compared ♪ 81 00:05:35,436 --> 00:05:38,069 [harrison] This is such A relief. I no longer feel 82 00:05:38,138 --> 00:05:40,939 Like my best pal's The lead singer for bow wow wow. 83 00:05:41,008 --> 00:05:43,207 Is that real? Ow. 84 00:05:43,276 --> 00:05:47,311 Of course. Mary cherry's Wigmaker only uses human hair. 85 00:05:47,381 --> 00:05:51,683 You see how nice lunch can be When we all get along and share? 86 00:05:51,752 --> 00:05:55,253 I don't know why you are makin' A big deal about this wedding. 87 00:05:55,321 --> 00:05:58,156 Why stop it, anyway? Can you Even qualify your reasons? 88 00:05:58,224 --> 00:05:59,958 [both] Well, it's... 89 00:06:00,027 --> 00:06:02,694 Brooke and spam cannot be Officially bonded as stepsisters 90 00:06:02,763 --> 00:06:04,796 As it would upset The natural order. 91 00:06:04,865 --> 00:06:08,333 As ringleaders of both the Popular and the unloved groups, 92 00:06:08,402 --> 00:06:12,170 A merging would muddy the lines, Causing both girls to wonder, 93 00:06:12,238 --> 00:06:14,405 "Who am I? Where do I fit in?" 94 00:06:14,474 --> 00:06:15,974 In short, 95 00:06:16,042 --> 00:06:19,578 "We are family" is a disco tune We ain't gonna be singin', kids. 96 00:06:19,646 --> 00:06:21,112 Got it? 97 00:06:22,449 --> 00:06:24,949 Sid, nancy, good day. How's it shakin'? 98 00:06:25,018 --> 00:06:27,318 Nicole, please. 99 00:06:27,387 --> 00:06:30,755 We can't go on like this. We're scaring small children. 100 00:06:30,824 --> 00:06:31,990 Give us our wigs. 101 00:06:32,058 --> 00:06:33,625 Oh, god. 102 00:06:33,694 --> 00:06:36,528 Pretty, aren't they? 103 00:06:36,597 --> 00:06:38,530 So lifelike. 104 00:06:38,599 --> 00:06:39,998 Know what I mean? 105 00:06:40,066 --> 00:06:41,866 We need that hair. 106 00:06:41,935 --> 00:06:44,268 You and mary cherry Said you pitied us. 107 00:06:44,337 --> 00:06:46,470 We will buy Those wigs from you. 108 00:06:46,539 --> 00:06:48,840 - you gave sam hers. - well, yes. 109 00:06:48,909 --> 00:06:51,042 That's because spam Graciously agreed to give me 110 00:06:51,111 --> 00:06:53,544 My own style column In the zapruder reporter. 111 00:06:53,613 --> 00:06:56,214 - traitor. - sorry, guys. I needed hair. 112 00:06:56,282 --> 00:06:58,883 Nicole, why don't you Just accept the fact 113 00:06:58,952 --> 00:07:01,886 That the feud between These two groups is over 114 00:07:01,955 --> 00:07:04,322 Once the wedding between Brooke and sam's parents occurs? 115 00:07:04,390 --> 00:07:08,026 Just get over it! Brooke And sam have gotten over it! 116 00:07:08,095 --> 00:07:09,393 Think again, Madeline mohawk. 117 00:07:09,463 --> 00:07:12,596 They want this wedding stopped Almost as much as I do. 118 00:07:12,665 --> 00:07:14,799 Sid, nancy, good day. 119 00:07:17,571 --> 00:07:19,370 Bye. 120 00:07:19,439 --> 00:07:22,173 Look, nic, I don't want this Marriage to happen either, 121 00:07:22,242 --> 00:07:23,508 But that was harsh. 122 00:07:23,577 --> 00:07:25,510 Come on, satan. Give 'em their wigs. 123 00:07:25,579 --> 00:07:28,646 Let me be clear. In our society, With parents who barely 124 00:07:28,715 --> 00:07:31,249 Have time to raise us, our Friends become our family. 125 00:07:31,317 --> 00:07:32,884 That's true. 126 00:07:32,953 --> 00:07:36,521 I don't want lily and carmen To be my sisters, 127 00:07:36,590 --> 00:07:38,990 Just as you don't Want spam to be yours. 128 00:07:39,059 --> 00:07:40,225 Simple as that. 129 00:07:40,293 --> 00:07:42,526 [both] Yeah. 130 00:07:42,595 --> 00:07:44,395 I'm warning you Right now, y'all. 131 00:07:44,464 --> 00:07:47,732 Don't mess with this lady bull, 'cause I'll gore ya in the ass! 132 00:07:47,801 --> 00:07:50,501 Somethin' horrible has Happened today, and I'm p.O.'d! 133 00:07:50,571 --> 00:07:53,204 Did they run out of minks To anally electrocute? 134 00:07:53,273 --> 00:07:57,508 Worse! Mama cherry's Marrying erik estrada. 135 00:07:57,577 --> 00:08:00,045 - the actor from chips? - yes, joe. 136 00:08:00,113 --> 00:08:03,248 Cherry cherry's become blinded By his hollywood starshine. 137 00:08:03,316 --> 00:08:05,717 Do you think erik estrada Would sign my ponch doll? 138 00:08:05,786 --> 00:08:09,821 Every time my mama remarries, I see her two days a year. 139 00:08:09,890 --> 00:08:11,222 He'll steal her away. 140 00:08:11,291 --> 00:08:13,357 This is insane. It'll be okay. 141 00:08:13,426 --> 00:08:15,626 How did your mother Even meet erik estrada? 142 00:08:15,696 --> 00:08:17,896 My horror began one month ago 143 00:08:17,964 --> 00:08:20,932 When my mother began seein' This city's best psychiatrist, 144 00:08:21,001 --> 00:08:22,901 Dr. Joe pudmerkin. 145 00:08:22,969 --> 00:08:25,036 she had been experiencin' horrible dreams, 146 00:08:25,105 --> 00:08:27,639 tormentin' flashbacks of her police brutality. 147 00:08:27,708 --> 00:08:30,575 The doctor saved my mama's Mental health by forcin' her 148 00:08:30,644 --> 00:08:32,777 To confront the copper. 149 00:08:32,846 --> 00:08:34,879 this, he said, would bring closure. 150 00:08:34,948 --> 00:08:38,116 Wait. I'm confused here. Let me get this straight. 151 00:08:38,184 --> 00:08:40,218 A police officer Who looks like me 152 00:08:40,287 --> 00:08:41,820 Roughed you up? 153 00:08:41,888 --> 00:08:44,488 Yes. That's correct, Mr. Erik estrada. 154 00:08:44,557 --> 00:08:46,658 I asked ms. Cherry To find someone 155 00:08:46,727 --> 00:08:50,428 Who looked like her abuser For her to reenact the abuse. 156 00:08:50,496 --> 00:08:53,064 She, of course, wanted The original perpetrator, 157 00:08:53,133 --> 00:08:55,634 But, fortunately for him, He returned to miami 158 00:08:55,702 --> 00:08:57,401 And is now underground. 159 00:08:57,470 --> 00:08:59,604 So, she wants me to play him? 160 00:08:59,673 --> 00:09:01,606 All right already. Enough talkin'. 161 00:09:01,675 --> 00:09:04,976 I'm paying you $100,000 So I can be free from torment. 162 00:09:05,045 --> 00:09:06,411 Are you game, erik estrada, 163 00:09:06,479 --> 00:09:09,580 Or is my money Not green enough? 164 00:09:13,887 --> 00:09:17,321 What do I do here? Ms. Cherry will tell you. 165 00:09:17,390 --> 00:09:20,992 She needs to be in charge For her to take back her power. 166 00:09:21,061 --> 00:09:23,828 Now, what the erik estrada Copper look-alike did 167 00:09:23,897 --> 00:09:26,665 After I slugged him, Was grab my arm. 168 00:09:29,002 --> 00:09:30,669 Maybe I got the wrong actor. 169 00:09:30,737 --> 00:09:33,571 Are you erik estrada, Macho latin star of chips, 170 00:09:33,639 --> 00:09:37,675 Or one of those wussy white Gals from sex and the city? 171 00:09:42,248 --> 00:09:44,182 Mmm. 172 00:09:46,186 --> 00:09:47,618 [josh] Wow. Amazing. 173 00:09:47,687 --> 00:09:49,854 Good one, mary cherry. I almost bought it. 174 00:09:49,923 --> 00:09:51,322 Mary cherry. 175 00:09:51,391 --> 00:09:52,390 ♪♪ [theme from chips] 176 00:09:52,458 --> 00:09:54,525 Your mother asked Me to pick you up 177 00:09:54,594 --> 00:09:56,427 So you can get Your vaccinations. 178 00:09:56,496 --> 00:09:58,029 I cleared it With principal hall. 179 00:09:58,098 --> 00:09:59,697 Can I have your autograph? 180 00:09:59,766 --> 00:10:01,065 Sure, kid. 181 00:10:01,134 --> 00:10:03,634 You put that pen Away, erik estrada. 182 00:10:03,704 --> 00:10:07,205 You listen up, 'cause I'm only gonna say this once. 183 00:10:07,274 --> 00:10:10,709 There's only one star in this Family, and it's me. Got it? 184 00:10:10,777 --> 00:10:14,212 I will not be corrupted By your icon status. 185 00:10:14,280 --> 00:10:16,982 Okay, sweetheart. I'll see you at 3:00. 186 00:10:17,050 --> 00:10:19,717 Check out my website. 187 00:10:24,457 --> 00:10:27,458 Okay. We're on. I told her to come home early. 188 00:10:27,527 --> 00:10:30,161 There was a family crisis Of paramount importance. 189 00:10:30,230 --> 00:10:31,730 You get the panties? Yep. 190 00:10:31,798 --> 00:10:34,999 And the slut bomb lipstick. Okay. Cool. 191 00:10:35,068 --> 00:10:36,700 I'm in a hateful mood. 192 00:10:36,769 --> 00:10:40,005 I gotta let off some steam Or I'm gonna explode! 193 00:10:40,073 --> 00:10:41,505 Ow. 194 00:10:41,574 --> 00:10:44,642 I know just the thing To perk us up. 195 00:10:44,711 --> 00:10:47,678 Saint brooky said that We have to at least give 196 00:10:47,747 --> 00:10:50,214 Carmen and lily a chance To earn their wigs. 197 00:10:50,283 --> 00:10:53,617 So I say we put an appropriate Spin on said request. 198 00:10:53,687 --> 00:10:55,987 Genius. 199 00:10:56,056 --> 00:11:00,624 Division-causin' wig-torture is Just the mood pick-me-up I need! 200 00:11:00,693 --> 00:11:05,429 Oh, what evil act of agony Should we order up? 201 00:11:09,435 --> 00:11:11,870 [scoffs] 202 00:11:11,938 --> 00:11:14,605 This blue cheese Smells so disgusting, 203 00:11:14,674 --> 00:11:17,441 I think I'm gonna barf. 204 00:11:17,510 --> 00:11:20,311 Just... Focus on wigs. 205 00:11:20,380 --> 00:11:22,513 Focus on... Wigs. 206 00:11:22,582 --> 00:11:23,948 Wigs. 207 00:11:25,285 --> 00:11:27,218 Sid, nancy. 208 00:11:27,287 --> 00:11:29,620 Good work. You know, Sometimes a girl 209 00:11:29,690 --> 00:11:32,623 Gets a hankerin' for a stale Blue-cheese grape. Mm-hmm. 210 00:11:32,693 --> 00:11:34,625 Oh, you are loving this, Aren't you? 211 00:11:34,695 --> 00:11:36,928 Where are the wigs? Give us some motivation. 212 00:11:36,997 --> 00:11:41,532 It's interesting to see what People will do to be accepted. 213 00:11:41,601 --> 00:11:44,502 Here, let me Take that for you. 214 00:11:44,571 --> 00:11:46,971 Oh, my. 215 00:11:47,040 --> 00:11:50,008 Carmen, lily, there seems To be a misunderstanding. 216 00:11:50,076 --> 00:11:53,011 Oh, why, yes, indeedy. There does. 217 00:11:53,079 --> 00:11:55,313 We specifically asked For peeled grapes 218 00:11:55,381 --> 00:11:56,714 Stuffed with stale blue cheese. 219 00:11:56,782 --> 00:11:58,749 What? No. That's not what you said. 220 00:11:58,818 --> 00:12:00,985 Uh-huh. Yes, we did. 221 00:12:07,460 --> 00:12:09,460 [toilet flushes] 222 00:12:09,529 --> 00:12:12,296 Do them all over again. 223 00:12:15,602 --> 00:12:17,535 I found these... 224 00:12:17,603 --> 00:12:20,038 This morning in the hamper. 225 00:12:25,678 --> 00:12:28,512 Sam, you want to say Something, then say it. 226 00:12:29,983 --> 00:12:34,052 I think mike has A girlfriend on the side 227 00:12:34,121 --> 00:12:35,854 Who wears black lace. 228 00:12:35,922 --> 00:12:40,658 Okay, uh... Why, then, would Her panties end up in my hamper? 229 00:12:40,726 --> 00:12:44,695 Well, men will often collect Trophies of their conquests. 230 00:12:44,764 --> 00:12:45,964 That's a fact. Brooke, 231 00:12:46,032 --> 00:12:48,866 This is between my mom and me. 232 00:12:48,934 --> 00:12:51,235 It would be like you To implicate my father 233 00:12:51,304 --> 00:12:53,905 In one of your hideously Filthy, muckraking exposés. 234 00:12:53,974 --> 00:12:55,706 Wouldn't it, sammie? You know what? 235 00:12:55,775 --> 00:12:57,075 I hate your guts! 236 00:12:57,143 --> 00:12:58,476 I hate your guts more! 237 00:12:58,544 --> 00:13:01,445 How 'bout that? Hey, wait. Uh... 238 00:13:01,514 --> 00:13:03,581 What on earth... What are you doin'? 239 00:13:03,650 --> 00:13:06,850 Oh, just some laundry. Daddy Wanted me to do his shirts. 240 00:13:06,919 --> 00:13:08,452 [brooke] See? He's so dirty. 241 00:13:14,927 --> 00:13:17,661 Mom, what is that? 242 00:13:17,730 --> 00:13:19,998 It's a hotel reservation. Noon confirmation 243 00:13:20,066 --> 00:13:22,600 For some place called The sweet sin palace. 244 00:13:22,669 --> 00:13:25,203 Brooke, do you know Anything about this? 245 00:13:25,271 --> 00:13:27,271 I-I-I don't get involved In my father's affairs. 246 00:13:27,340 --> 00:13:29,207 Business, I mean. 247 00:13:32,678 --> 00:13:37,047 See, mom? You're marrying a ho. 248 00:13:55,335 --> 00:13:57,768 Let's get this Out on the table. 249 00:13:57,837 --> 00:13:59,837 Michael mcqueen, Are you cheating on me? 250 00:14:01,274 --> 00:14:03,207 Are you having an affair? 251 00:14:03,276 --> 00:14:05,776 Because, if you are, This wedding is off. 252 00:14:07,447 --> 00:14:08,613 Nope. 253 00:14:08,681 --> 00:14:11,449 Great. Moving on. Pass the peas, honey. 254 00:14:11,517 --> 00:14:12,951 Sure. 255 00:14:13,019 --> 00:14:14,285 Thank you. 256 00:14:22,295 --> 00:14:23,761 Okay. We made it up. 257 00:14:23,829 --> 00:14:25,730 Brooke made me do it. Did not. 258 00:14:25,798 --> 00:14:28,899 Yes. I wanted to implicate mike In a grand-theft-auto scheme. 259 00:14:28,969 --> 00:14:30,401 You said that would Be unbelievable. 260 00:14:30,470 --> 00:14:33,404 All right. That's it! That is not funny. 261 00:14:33,473 --> 00:14:35,973 This is not some Reverse parent trap 262 00:14:36,042 --> 00:14:39,310 Where you two get clever points For trying to break us up. 263 00:14:39,379 --> 00:14:43,648 Now, what you did was immature And nasty... And very wrong. 264 00:14:43,716 --> 00:14:45,949 And it was Very disrespectful. 265 00:14:46,018 --> 00:14:47,851 We have had it with you. 266 00:14:47,920 --> 00:14:51,322 You both need a forum that Is constructive to talk about 267 00:14:51,391 --> 00:14:53,258 These merging families And about the adoptions. 268 00:14:53,326 --> 00:14:54,758 What? 269 00:14:54,827 --> 00:14:56,327 W-what did you just say? 270 00:14:56,396 --> 00:14:57,628 Adoptions? 271 00:14:57,697 --> 00:15:01,499 Yes. Sam, I would like to Legally become your father 272 00:15:01,567 --> 00:15:03,534 As jane legally becomes my wife. 273 00:15:03,603 --> 00:15:06,270 - and, brooke... - no. I get it. 274 00:15:06,339 --> 00:15:07,805 And I don't want it. 275 00:15:09,342 --> 00:15:12,476 That's something we will talk About in family counseling. 276 00:15:12,545 --> 00:15:14,645 That, we will begin tomorrow. 277 00:15:28,628 --> 00:15:31,963 [buzzing] 278 00:15:32,032 --> 00:15:34,898 Stop ringin' That friggin' buzzer. 279 00:15:34,967 --> 00:15:37,401 You're givin' me headaches! 280 00:15:45,545 --> 00:15:47,478 [crash] 281 00:15:48,614 --> 00:15:50,648 Brooke, 282 00:15:50,716 --> 00:15:53,584 I think we should Go to family therapy. 283 00:15:53,653 --> 00:15:56,920 We've been locked at The hip now for 20 years, 284 00:15:56,989 --> 00:15:59,690 Thanks to our parents' marriage, And we're not getting along. 285 00:15:59,759 --> 00:16:02,560 Yeah, miss brainiac, And we never will. 286 00:16:02,628 --> 00:16:04,562 You know why? 287 00:16:04,630 --> 00:16:06,697 'cause you're Stuck in that chair, 288 00:16:06,766 --> 00:16:10,501 And I gotta take care of you. 289 00:16:10,570 --> 00:16:13,237 I could've been somethin'. 290 00:16:13,306 --> 00:16:15,239 Professional cheerleader. 291 00:16:17,277 --> 00:16:19,343 Counselin' won't Fix that, will it? 292 00:16:19,412 --> 00:16:22,813 Brooke, you should pursue A more intelligent career... 293 00:16:22,882 --> 00:16:25,215 Oh, what's the use? 294 00:16:25,285 --> 00:16:28,018 I'll just get compared to you, 295 00:16:28,088 --> 00:16:31,689 Miss high-and-mighty Smarty journalist. 296 00:16:31,757 --> 00:16:34,024 And I'm sick of it! 297 00:16:36,196 --> 00:16:39,797 Just forget The family counseling. 298 00:16:41,601 --> 00:16:45,703 I'm takin' that money and I'm Spendin' it on a boob job. 299 00:16:49,209 --> 00:16:50,708 Hmm. 300 00:16:55,648 --> 00:16:58,216 Enjoy your dinner. 301 00:17:20,506 --> 00:17:22,273 [squeaking] 302 00:17:26,446 --> 00:17:28,379 [moaning] 303 00:17:36,889 --> 00:17:38,489 [gasps] 304 00:17:38,558 --> 00:17:40,223 [screams] 305 00:17:41,327 --> 00:17:43,561 God! Stalk much? 306 00:17:43,629 --> 00:17:45,063 Another nightmare? 307 00:17:45,131 --> 00:17:46,230 Yeah. 308 00:17:46,299 --> 00:17:48,566 Me, too. [sighs] 309 00:17:48,635 --> 00:17:52,403 We're gonna have to be strong During family counseling today. 310 00:17:52,472 --> 00:17:55,173 We're gonna have To put up a united front, 311 00:17:55,241 --> 00:17:58,742 Or else this nightmare Will be a lifelong one. 312 00:18:01,547 --> 00:18:04,649 Why are we Doing this, carmen? 313 00:18:04,717 --> 00:18:06,550 Why don't we Just buy wigs? 314 00:18:06,619 --> 00:18:08,319 Oh, good luck, li'l lily. 315 00:18:08,388 --> 00:18:10,321 You'll never find Anything that compares 316 00:18:10,390 --> 00:18:14,157 To the luxurious quality Of my human-hair wigs. 317 00:18:14,226 --> 00:18:16,193 Then why don't We just wear hats? 318 00:18:16,262 --> 00:18:19,430 If we see you wearing A hat to hide your shame, 319 00:18:19,499 --> 00:18:21,965 We'll torch those human-hair Wigs, thus condemning you 320 00:18:22,034 --> 00:18:25,736 To acrylic wig status for the Rest of your high school career. 321 00:18:25,805 --> 00:18:29,440 Oh! Well, look. Fans of nic's style column. 322 00:18:29,509 --> 00:18:31,041 [carmen] What are They doing here? 323 00:18:31,111 --> 00:18:34,044 Don't blow those elbows, because When you're done polishing us, 324 00:18:34,113 --> 00:18:36,714 You're scrubbin' Down the whole school. 325 00:18:38,217 --> 00:18:40,818 Mmm. 326 00:18:43,823 --> 00:18:44,755 Hi. 327 00:18:44,824 --> 00:18:45,756 Hi. 328 00:18:49,929 --> 00:18:53,697 These bridal magazines are A little bit overwhelming. 329 00:18:53,766 --> 00:18:56,767 Look at this. What a joke. 330 00:18:56,836 --> 00:19:00,103 Dresses for second-time brides, Practically nonexistent. 331 00:19:00,172 --> 00:19:03,808 You're either... Swimming Like a virgin in white satin 332 00:19:03,876 --> 00:19:06,810 Or you're dressed Like a matron in eggplant. 333 00:19:06,879 --> 00:19:08,178 Oh, look at... 334 00:19:08,248 --> 00:19:10,013 Look at this. Look at this. 335 00:19:10,082 --> 00:19:12,716 Where's the waist? 336 00:19:12,785 --> 00:19:16,186 Uh, my first wedding I didn't even wear a dress. 337 00:19:16,255 --> 00:19:19,323 I wore these red... These red leather pants. 338 00:19:19,392 --> 00:19:21,825 Looked like pat benatar. It was really... 339 00:19:23,163 --> 00:19:25,829 It was horrible. 340 00:19:28,501 --> 00:19:30,768 You loved... Sam's dad very much, 341 00:19:30,836 --> 00:19:32,302 Didn't you? 342 00:19:36,976 --> 00:19:38,909 Yes. Yes, I did. 343 00:19:40,012 --> 00:19:42,145 The way you love my dad? 344 00:19:44,184 --> 00:19:47,250 [sighs] Well, um... 345 00:19:47,319 --> 00:19:50,388 Love is always Different, but... 346 00:19:50,456 --> 00:19:53,857 What I feel for mike Is just as powerful. 347 00:20:10,175 --> 00:20:14,678 You know, Just because I haven't... 348 00:20:14,747 --> 00:20:17,080 Always been 100% supportive, 349 00:20:17,149 --> 00:20:19,583 It doesn't mean that... 350 00:20:19,652 --> 00:20:22,620 I-I just... 351 00:20:22,689 --> 00:20:27,024 I want you to know that I think that you're a really... 352 00:20:27,093 --> 00:20:29,026 Good person. 353 00:20:32,298 --> 00:20:35,599 I think... 354 00:20:35,668 --> 00:20:39,970 You would look... Really pretty in this. 355 00:20:40,039 --> 00:20:41,572 I don't know. 356 00:20:41,641 --> 00:20:44,475 Well, you know, even if I got the dress, there's... 357 00:20:44,544 --> 00:20:47,010 There's all the planning, All the drama... 358 00:20:47,079 --> 00:20:51,314 I think that maybe you Should hire a wedding planner. 359 00:20:51,383 --> 00:20:54,418 Yeah, or double up On my therapy. 360 00:20:54,487 --> 00:20:57,988 Thank you for doubling Up on your therapy. 361 00:20:58,057 --> 00:21:02,292 Coming two times a day, I think, Will prove to be helpful. 362 00:21:04,196 --> 00:21:06,196 Why is she Hitting me? 363 00:21:06,265 --> 00:21:08,165 Mary cherry is threatened 364 00:21:08,233 --> 00:21:12,002 By the presence of a new parent And is acting out her rage. 365 00:21:12,071 --> 00:21:14,605 Making a new family Is a delicate art, 366 00:21:14,674 --> 00:21:17,041 Much like sculpting In sandstone. 367 00:21:17,109 --> 00:21:18,376 Cut the crap, pudmerkin. 368 00:21:18,444 --> 00:21:21,545 Just give my daughter here A prescription for some lithium. 369 00:21:21,614 --> 00:21:23,881 Mr. Erik estrada, 370 00:21:23,949 --> 00:21:26,684 Are you sure you want To marry into this family? 371 00:21:26,752 --> 00:21:29,386 Oh, yes, doctor. 372 00:21:29,455 --> 00:21:32,523 We're deeply in love. 373 00:21:32,592 --> 00:21:35,993 Please, doc, tell me What I have to do 374 00:21:36,061 --> 00:21:38,862 For mary cherry To accept me as her father. 375 00:21:38,931 --> 00:21:42,032 Mama, ain't I Enough for ya? 376 00:21:42,101 --> 00:21:44,535 No. You know I've Always wanted to beat 377 00:21:44,604 --> 00:21:46,304 Elizabeth taylor's Marriage record. 378 00:21:46,372 --> 00:21:49,874 Plus, you act like I'm runnin' Off with tom wopat or somethin'. 379 00:21:49,942 --> 00:21:51,041 Give me that. 380 00:21:51,110 --> 00:21:52,576 Now, I've had enough. 381 00:21:52,645 --> 00:21:56,447 Mary cherry, you come over here And give your steppoppy a hug. 382 00:21:57,650 --> 00:21:59,583 Do it! 383 00:21:59,652 --> 00:22:01,686 I will never hug him. 384 00:22:01,754 --> 00:22:04,387 I will never accept him. 385 00:22:04,456 --> 00:22:08,092 I cannot be bought. 386 00:22:08,160 --> 00:22:11,261 Well, then I guess This is useless. 387 00:22:11,331 --> 00:22:13,997 I have saved This authentic 388 00:22:14,066 --> 00:22:16,934 chips crew jacket for A moment such as this-- 389 00:22:17,002 --> 00:22:19,937 To give to the daughter I've Always wanted but never had. 390 00:22:20,005 --> 00:22:23,974 This radiates with Authentic '70s allure. 391 00:22:24,043 --> 00:22:26,877 Nic couldn't even buy one Of these. They're collectibles. 392 00:22:26,946 --> 00:22:29,546 Got anything else I could use for show-and-tell? 393 00:22:29,615 --> 00:22:30,881 Yes. 394 00:22:30,950 --> 00:22:33,617 A hunk of wood from The desk I sat behind 395 00:22:33,686 --> 00:22:36,253 During my first appearance On hollywood squares. 396 00:22:36,321 --> 00:22:39,357 Also, an interview Request for my stepdaughter 397 00:22:39,425 --> 00:22:42,927 To appear on the e! hollywood true story They're doing on me. 398 00:22:42,995 --> 00:22:45,463 I'm gonna be on e! And be famous? 399 00:22:45,531 --> 00:22:50,000 Well, the whole school'll Just be pea green with envy. 400 00:22:50,069 --> 00:22:51,401 Give it to me! 401 00:22:51,470 --> 00:22:53,170 Give me a hug first. 402 00:23:00,480 --> 00:23:01,879 There you go. 403 00:23:01,947 --> 00:23:05,215 Circle gets the square. [whimpers] 404 00:23:09,488 --> 00:23:11,489 Sorry. I forgot my keys. 405 00:23:11,557 --> 00:23:13,491 Mr. Vincent. 406 00:23:14,760 --> 00:23:16,961 Miss mcpherson. Miss mcqueen. 407 00:23:17,029 --> 00:23:20,831 Hi. Oh, dad, jane, this is mr. Vincent. He used to teach drama 408 00:23:20,900 --> 00:23:23,233 Until he had to resign For psychiatric help. 409 00:23:23,302 --> 00:23:26,069 Which dr. Pudmerkin has So wonderfully provided. 410 00:23:26,138 --> 00:23:27,972 Wait. Mr. Vincent, Are you still teaching? 411 00:23:28,040 --> 00:23:29,272 Oh, god, no. 412 00:23:29,341 --> 00:23:32,309 I moved on to a fresher, Much more glamorous vista. 413 00:23:32,377 --> 00:23:35,112 I'm a wedding planner now. 414 00:23:38,217 --> 00:23:40,483 You were on the love boat six times? 415 00:23:40,552 --> 00:23:43,987 Well, bust my lord taylor. That beats charles's record. 416 00:23:45,357 --> 00:23:47,624 [door opens] 417 00:23:49,495 --> 00:23:52,162 I'm ready for you now. 418 00:23:56,535 --> 00:23:59,737 Uh, why did she Just hit me? 419 00:23:59,806 --> 00:24:02,706 Shouldn't brooke's teen rage Be directed against me? 420 00:24:02,775 --> 00:24:04,308 Yes. One would think. 421 00:24:04,376 --> 00:24:07,945 Brooke's act of aggression Is interesting, though. 422 00:24:08,013 --> 00:24:10,213 Do you know what it tells me? 423 00:24:10,282 --> 00:24:12,115 That maybe... 424 00:24:12,184 --> 00:24:16,553 Sam is the lone dissenter To this union of two households. 425 00:24:16,622 --> 00:24:19,156 Sam. True or false. 426 00:24:19,224 --> 00:24:21,725 False, dr. Pudmerkin. 427 00:24:21,794 --> 00:24:24,462 Brooke and I feel We don't want to be adopted 428 00:24:24,530 --> 00:24:25,763 And be sisters. 429 00:24:25,831 --> 00:24:27,698 We just wanted to be a family, 430 00:24:27,767 --> 00:24:30,734 And we wanted... I wanted you to have a father. 431 00:24:30,803 --> 00:24:34,704 I already have a father. Or did you already forget him? 432 00:24:36,275 --> 00:24:39,409 If you hadn't noticed, you Already have a daughter, too. 433 00:24:39,479 --> 00:24:43,814 Sam, adoption is not about Erasing memories. It's about... 434 00:24:43,883 --> 00:24:47,651 It's about caring for you. It's showing you and brooke 435 00:24:47,720 --> 00:24:50,487 That we love you enough To provide for you legally 436 00:24:50,555 --> 00:24:53,457 In case something should Happen to your mother or myself. 437 00:24:53,526 --> 00:24:55,626 It's not meant To be a threat. 438 00:24:55,695 --> 00:24:58,261 Brooke, will you wake up And defend me here? 439 00:24:58,330 --> 00:25:01,531 Tell them we do not want this And we will not cooperate. 440 00:25:01,600 --> 00:25:03,266 Right. Dad, mom... 441 00:25:03,335 --> 00:25:04,434 "Mom"? 442 00:25:04,504 --> 00:25:07,670 W-w-wait. She Is not your mom. 443 00:25:07,740 --> 00:25:10,007 You don't want that. 444 00:25:10,076 --> 00:25:11,942 Actually, sam, 445 00:25:12,011 --> 00:25:14,577 I think I kind of do. 446 00:25:14,646 --> 00:25:15,879 What? 447 00:25:15,948 --> 00:25:17,014 Sam, look, 448 00:25:17,082 --> 00:25:19,116 I keep thinking about What harrison asked us. 449 00:25:19,184 --> 00:25:20,784 What did he ask you? 450 00:25:20,853 --> 00:25:22,552 He asked us To make a case 451 00:25:22,621 --> 00:25:25,255 For why we shouldn't Be sisters, and we couldn't. 452 00:25:25,324 --> 00:25:28,626 The truth is, sam, the biggest Stumbling block we have... 453 00:25:28,694 --> 00:25:30,460 Is that we're a lot alike. 454 00:25:30,530 --> 00:25:33,697 That's the thing that we hate The most and won't admit. 455 00:25:33,766 --> 00:25:35,098 Isn't it? 456 00:25:35,167 --> 00:25:37,901 Fine. Fine. Whatever. 457 00:25:37,970 --> 00:25:40,470 We are still neglecting A big point here. 458 00:25:40,540 --> 00:25:44,742 We are old enough to have a say In what our family is. 459 00:25:44,810 --> 00:25:47,311 I am not five. If I'm gonna be adopted, 460 00:25:47,379 --> 00:25:50,514 I want a say, and I say I don't want that. 461 00:25:50,583 --> 00:25:53,283 Well, I do want that. I've really come to love jane. 462 00:25:53,352 --> 00:25:57,154 She's sort of filled a hole that I've always had in my heart. 463 00:25:57,222 --> 00:25:59,289 I don't think of this Wedding or adoption 464 00:25:59,358 --> 00:26:01,391 As getting a mother Forced on me, 465 00:26:01,460 --> 00:26:04,494 Because I think that She's become one naturally, 466 00:26:04,564 --> 00:26:07,230 Just by being who she is. 467 00:26:10,469 --> 00:26:12,635 So, jane... 468 00:26:14,506 --> 00:26:19,109 I would like very much For you to be my mother. 469 00:26:20,679 --> 00:26:22,579 I would love that, brooke. 470 00:26:22,647 --> 00:26:23,914 [scoffs] Great. 471 00:26:23,983 --> 00:26:25,749 Thank you, brooke. 472 00:26:25,818 --> 00:26:28,752 You're welcome, daddy. 473 00:26:28,821 --> 00:26:32,322 Oh, thank you, brooke. 474 00:26:32,391 --> 00:26:35,726 Oh, this means So much to me. 475 00:26:35,795 --> 00:26:37,728 [gasps] Oh! Sam! 476 00:26:39,865 --> 00:26:42,099 [mike] Brooke. 477 00:26:42,167 --> 00:26:43,366 Ow! 478 00:26:43,435 --> 00:26:45,668 Sam. Sam. Brooke. Brooke. 479 00:26:45,737 --> 00:26:47,004 Time-out. 480 00:26:47,072 --> 00:26:49,472 Just breathe. Breathe And just... Time-out. 481 00:26:49,541 --> 00:26:50,540 Shut up! 482 00:26:50,610 --> 00:26:52,676 Honey, no. Not the doc. No, brooke. 483 00:26:52,745 --> 00:26:53,877 Stop. Stop. Stop. 484 00:26:53,946 --> 00:26:55,212 No. Stop. Oh! 485 00:26:55,280 --> 00:26:57,514 Let me at her! Stop. Stop. Stop. 486 00:27:10,795 --> 00:27:13,063 Aren't you hungry, josh? 487 00:27:13,132 --> 00:27:16,133 Uh, no. Lookin' at these two Make my stomach all acidy. 488 00:27:16,201 --> 00:27:18,168 All I have to say is, how. 489 00:27:18,237 --> 00:27:22,139 How could you let this go on So long? Have you no shame? 490 00:27:22,208 --> 00:27:25,375 Don't you think we're trying? We're working our butts off. 491 00:27:25,444 --> 00:27:27,878 Stuffing grapes, scrubbing Asses. Who knows what's next? 492 00:27:27,947 --> 00:27:30,513 I don't think we're ever Gonna get back our hair. 493 00:27:30,582 --> 00:27:32,015 Wait. Wait. Wait. 494 00:27:32,084 --> 00:27:33,683 You scrubbed their asses? 495 00:27:37,689 --> 00:27:39,289 Okay. 496 00:27:39,358 --> 00:27:41,191 Where are you going? 497 00:27:41,260 --> 00:27:44,227 This is stupid. We are savvy, powerful women. 498 00:27:44,296 --> 00:27:47,597 We are smart enough To find a way outta this mess. 499 00:27:47,666 --> 00:27:50,567 What if we can't? What if These mohawks condemn us 500 00:27:50,635 --> 00:27:53,570 To a life of loneliness Without acceptance or love? 501 00:27:53,638 --> 00:27:57,707 Hey, hot mamas. No worries, 'cause we're the love you seek. 502 00:27:57,776 --> 00:27:59,809 Um, we don't know you. 503 00:27:59,878 --> 00:28:02,012 Most of the time We just skate 504 00:28:02,081 --> 00:28:04,782 Or hang out at the local 7-eleven bummin' smokes. 505 00:28:04,850 --> 00:28:06,583 I think they like us. 506 00:28:06,651 --> 00:28:08,251 Join us in the aryan nation. 507 00:28:08,320 --> 00:28:10,854 Let's make hot love All night long 508 00:28:10,923 --> 00:28:12,756 And plot to overtake The government. 509 00:28:12,825 --> 00:28:15,425 Um, no. That's not right. 510 00:28:15,494 --> 00:28:17,995 Oh. Okay. 511 00:28:18,063 --> 00:28:20,898 Wanna buy a kitten So we can afford smokes? 512 00:28:20,966 --> 00:28:21,931 [meows] 513 00:28:22,001 --> 00:28:24,301 He's got worms. 514 00:28:26,238 --> 00:28:27,670 [squealing] 515 00:28:27,739 --> 00:28:30,740 Buy our wormy kitten Or we'll kill you bitches! 516 00:28:33,846 --> 00:28:37,114 We had a plan. We were on the same page 517 00:28:37,182 --> 00:28:39,883 With breaking our Parents up once and for all. 518 00:28:39,952 --> 00:28:42,586 But I guess That was yesterday. Huh? 519 00:28:42,654 --> 00:28:44,687 I never should Have trusted you. 520 00:28:44,756 --> 00:28:46,456 You're just jealous. Jealous? 521 00:28:46,525 --> 00:28:49,459 You're trying to steal My mother. You're jealous. 522 00:28:49,528 --> 00:28:52,629 I'm not freaking out about My father wanting to adopt you. 523 00:28:52,697 --> 00:28:55,465 That's because I won't let him adopt me. 524 00:28:56,736 --> 00:28:59,169 As I keep pointing out, brooke, 525 00:28:59,238 --> 00:29:02,205 I already have a father, Thank you very much. 526 00:29:02,274 --> 00:29:04,942 And you have a mother, So leave mine alone. 527 00:29:06,212 --> 00:29:07,845 Your father... 528 00:29:07,913 --> 00:29:10,480 Didn't walk out on you, sam. 529 00:29:10,549 --> 00:29:13,250 I am sorry that he died. 530 00:29:13,318 --> 00:29:16,453 But, god, at least You know that he loved you. 531 00:29:16,521 --> 00:29:18,956 How would you feel... 532 00:29:19,024 --> 00:29:22,692 If just one day, Your mom was gone? 533 00:29:22,761 --> 00:29:24,527 If she just left 534 00:29:24,596 --> 00:29:26,396 Without even Saying good-bye, 535 00:29:26,465 --> 00:29:30,167 And you woke up to find out That you were no longer loved, 536 00:29:30,235 --> 00:29:32,369 That maybe she Never loved you. 537 00:29:32,437 --> 00:29:34,872 That's me, sam. 538 00:29:37,042 --> 00:29:39,509 And you're wrong. 539 00:29:40,780 --> 00:29:43,547 I really don't have a mother. 540 00:29:53,826 --> 00:29:55,893 Why, yes, emme. Like I was tellin' you, 541 00:29:55,961 --> 00:29:58,861 When I first spotted Erik estrada, I said to my mama, 542 00:29:58,930 --> 00:30:02,732 "Mama, now there's a man that Would make a perfect stepdaddy." 543 00:30:02,801 --> 00:30:05,235 And, yes, emme, It was me who told him, 544 00:30:05,304 --> 00:30:09,506 "Erik, go for the chips reunion. Reunions are in." 545 00:30:09,574 --> 00:30:11,508 Okay. One last Question, mary cherry. 546 00:30:11,576 --> 00:30:14,111 Do you have any plans To sleep with erik estrada? 547 00:30:14,180 --> 00:30:15,913 Nic, that's sick! 548 00:30:15,981 --> 00:30:17,915 E!'s not gonna ask me that. 549 00:30:17,983 --> 00:30:20,250 Why not? He's hot. It happens. 550 00:30:20,319 --> 00:30:22,052 And if you do, 551 00:30:22,121 --> 00:30:24,954 You'll also be interviewed On e!'s mysteries and scandals. 552 00:30:25,024 --> 00:30:28,258 That is two e! Interviews in One year, and that's popularity. 553 00:30:28,327 --> 00:30:30,294 Point taken. Mm-hmm. 554 00:30:30,362 --> 00:30:33,964 Let's practice lip-looks for My imminent celebrity explosion. 555 00:30:36,969 --> 00:30:38,401 [phone ringing] 556 00:30:38,470 --> 00:30:40,703 Maybe that's e! Confirming our interview. 557 00:30:40,772 --> 00:30:41,705 [ringing] 558 00:30:41,773 --> 00:30:43,140 Mary cherry here. 559 00:30:43,208 --> 00:30:46,443 Mary cherry, the wedding's off. Also, drop ten pounds. 560 00:30:48,380 --> 00:30:49,980 [sobbing] 561 00:30:50,049 --> 00:30:51,648 Mary cherry, what happened? 562 00:30:51,716 --> 00:30:54,651 Did e! Bump you for somebody More famous like marilu henner? 563 00:30:54,720 --> 00:30:57,120 There's not gonna be An e! Interview, nic. 564 00:30:57,189 --> 00:30:59,289 The wedding's off! 565 00:31:17,343 --> 00:31:19,709 Let me guess. Sam's in a bad mood. 566 00:31:19,778 --> 00:31:23,446 That must mean... Not getting along with sister? 567 00:31:23,515 --> 00:31:25,115 It's that obvious? 568 00:31:25,184 --> 00:31:28,418 [sighs] I feel like I'm at the end of my rope 569 00:31:28,487 --> 00:31:32,289 And the box has been Kicked out from under me. 570 00:31:32,357 --> 00:31:35,992 I can't take it anymore. I Can't take this school anymore. 571 00:31:36,060 --> 00:31:38,996 Sammie, everybody Feels that way. 572 00:31:39,064 --> 00:31:41,864 Do you think I'm in danger Of becoming a bitch? 573 00:31:41,933 --> 00:31:43,900 Yep. 574 00:31:43,968 --> 00:31:46,269 I know. 575 00:31:46,338 --> 00:31:49,773 If brooke's mom hadn't been such A freak and left her at eight, 576 00:31:49,841 --> 00:31:52,709 This whole thing Wouldn't be happening. 577 00:31:52,777 --> 00:31:56,446 There's gotta be a way To stop this marriage. 578 00:31:56,515 --> 00:32:00,049 Why are you so afraid Of that actually happening? 579 00:32:00,118 --> 00:32:02,051 Are you kidding? 580 00:32:02,121 --> 00:32:03,920 I've already lost a father. 581 00:32:03,988 --> 00:32:06,055 Now I've gotta Lose a mother, too? 582 00:32:06,125 --> 00:32:09,559 You're seeing this all wrong. You're not losing anything. 583 00:32:09,628 --> 00:32:12,562 We used to be this great team. 584 00:32:12,631 --> 00:32:14,864 You know? It was us. 585 00:32:14,933 --> 00:32:17,867 Us against the world, Even when my dad died. 586 00:32:20,772 --> 00:32:24,041 She never cried once During that whole time, 587 00:32:24,109 --> 00:32:26,676 Even at the funeral. 588 00:32:26,745 --> 00:32:29,546 You know why she never cried? 589 00:32:29,615 --> 00:32:31,381 Why? 590 00:32:31,450 --> 00:32:33,883 'cause she said I was her rock. 591 00:32:36,488 --> 00:32:40,623 We used to spend time Together, and now we don't. 592 00:32:40,692 --> 00:32:43,460 Now she's always With mike or brooke. 593 00:32:45,297 --> 00:32:49,899 I feel like I lost my best Friend, and I want her back. 594 00:32:52,271 --> 00:32:56,373 Sam, look. It's not like 595 00:32:56,442 --> 00:33:00,243 Your mom's gonna let herself Be stolen away by brooke. 596 00:33:00,312 --> 00:33:01,744 She will. 597 00:33:03,114 --> 00:33:05,548 She already has. 598 00:33:07,185 --> 00:33:10,420 I'm sorry. I'm sorry I'm such a drag. 599 00:33:10,489 --> 00:33:13,423 Just... Can't help The way I feel, 600 00:33:13,492 --> 00:33:16,092 Even if I am overreacting. 601 00:33:28,840 --> 00:33:30,273 [jane] Hmm. 602 00:33:30,342 --> 00:33:32,609 Go ahead. Try it on. 603 00:33:32,677 --> 00:33:33,910 Really? 604 00:33:33,978 --> 00:33:35,412 Mm-hmm. 605 00:33:38,917 --> 00:33:41,118 [giggles] 606 00:33:41,186 --> 00:33:45,655 Oh, you are going to be A beautiful bride one day. 607 00:33:45,724 --> 00:33:46,689 Really? 608 00:33:46,758 --> 00:33:47,990 Mm-hmm. 609 00:33:50,695 --> 00:33:52,929 Oh, look. 610 00:33:54,566 --> 00:33:56,733 [both giggle] 611 00:33:58,903 --> 00:34:00,737 Look. 612 00:34:00,805 --> 00:34:02,706 [giggles] Beautiful. 613 00:34:02,774 --> 00:34:05,308 [squealing] Oh, I love it. 614 00:34:29,768 --> 00:34:31,334 I need to talk to you. 615 00:34:31,403 --> 00:34:35,137 Please, spam. Like I'd ever Be seen in public with you. 616 00:34:35,207 --> 00:34:37,374 Even in private, You'd have to pay me 617 00:34:37,442 --> 00:34:39,709 To endure your noxious Halitosis breath. 618 00:34:39,778 --> 00:34:42,579 Do you want it in 10s or 20s? 619 00:34:44,383 --> 00:34:47,317 What's up? Spit it out. I haven't got all year. 620 00:34:47,386 --> 00:34:49,152 I need your help... 621 00:34:49,221 --> 00:34:51,888 To stop the mcqueens And mcphersons from fusing. 622 00:34:51,956 --> 00:34:55,725 Brooky doesn't want the merger To take place, so it won't. 623 00:34:55,794 --> 00:34:58,227 You're wrong. She's into it. 624 00:34:58,297 --> 00:35:02,399 She wants my mom To adopt her. She said so. 625 00:35:02,467 --> 00:35:04,901 Oh, I get it. 626 00:35:04,969 --> 00:35:08,705 You're trying to turn brooky And me back into sworn enemies. 627 00:35:08,773 --> 00:35:12,141 Well, listen up, bald hilda. Brooky and I are soul sisters 628 00:35:12,211 --> 00:35:14,477 And we will never Be divided again. 629 00:35:14,546 --> 00:35:17,714 You won't be sisters If she becomes mine, nicole. 630 00:35:17,783 --> 00:35:19,616 Have you seen Your precious brooke, 631 00:35:19,684 --> 00:35:22,018 A.K.A. The source Of your power, today? 632 00:35:22,086 --> 00:35:24,554 No. You haven't. 633 00:35:24,623 --> 00:35:27,824 She's been hanging with her New best friend, my mother. 634 00:35:27,892 --> 00:35:30,927 With a full-fledged family To occupy her time, 635 00:35:30,996 --> 00:35:33,129 She'll see you less and less. 636 00:35:33,197 --> 00:35:36,899 And the less time You spend... With brooke, 637 00:35:36,968 --> 00:35:39,235 The lower your rep goes. 638 00:35:39,303 --> 00:35:41,404 I know my mother Doesn't like you. 639 00:35:41,473 --> 00:35:43,406 She thinks you're A bad influence. 640 00:35:43,475 --> 00:35:45,174 And I'm sure brooke will soon 641 00:35:45,243 --> 00:35:47,444 Be turned around To that school of thought. 642 00:35:47,512 --> 00:35:49,378 So, why come to me? 643 00:35:49,448 --> 00:35:52,415 Because you're evil. 644 00:35:54,052 --> 00:35:56,353 Flattery'll get You everywhere. Go on. 645 00:36:02,160 --> 00:36:05,262 There is so much to do And not much time. 646 00:36:05,330 --> 00:36:07,730 That's why we hired A wedding planner. 647 00:36:07,799 --> 00:36:11,701 Mr. Vincent is an idea man. He Doesn't take care of everything. 648 00:36:11,770 --> 00:36:13,570 Oh. Honey, what's left? 649 00:36:13,638 --> 00:36:15,972 Well, there's The church and the band. 650 00:36:16,040 --> 00:36:19,909 Brooke is taking care of The flowers and the invitations. 651 00:36:19,978 --> 00:36:23,112 Can you drop off this check To the church after school? 652 00:36:23,182 --> 00:36:26,148 I have to meet the caterers From 2:00 to 5:00, 653 00:36:26,218 --> 00:36:29,118 And then we've got Mr. Vincent at 5:30. 654 00:36:29,188 --> 00:36:31,654 I'm with the florist From 3:00 to 5:00. 655 00:36:31,723 --> 00:36:34,057 I can help. 656 00:36:34,125 --> 00:36:38,461 You volunteered to drop off The deposit check at the church? 657 00:36:38,530 --> 00:36:41,598 God. You are so stupid, spam. 658 00:36:41,666 --> 00:36:44,133 I told you. You volunteer To book the priest. 659 00:36:44,202 --> 00:36:47,637 The day before, I would seduce Him while you took pictures. 660 00:36:47,706 --> 00:36:49,839 He'd be defrocked, And they'd have to cancel. 661 00:36:49,908 --> 00:36:52,141 I'm sorry. I thought this would work. 662 00:36:55,414 --> 00:36:57,346 Can we still screw it up? 663 00:36:57,416 --> 00:37:00,417 You're workin' with a pro here. Give me the check. 664 00:37:03,888 --> 00:37:07,857 Oh, hons. Come out, Come out, wherever you are. 665 00:37:07,926 --> 00:37:10,092 It's time to tidy up The bushies. 666 00:37:12,331 --> 00:37:13,863 Give us back our wigs! 667 00:37:13,932 --> 00:37:15,164 Fine! Wax me! 668 00:37:15,234 --> 00:37:17,033 I would rather Die, mary cherry. 669 00:37:17,101 --> 00:37:20,337 This is your last chance. Where is our friggin' hair? 670 00:37:20,405 --> 00:37:22,305 In my locker behind The titanium lock! 671 00:37:22,374 --> 00:37:23,472 What's the combination? 672 00:37:23,542 --> 00:37:25,475 I'd rather go bald Than tell you! 673 00:37:25,544 --> 00:37:26,943 Fine. 674 00:37:28,113 --> 00:37:29,145 No! 675 00:37:29,213 --> 00:37:30,446 No! 676 00:37:33,418 --> 00:37:35,452 Stop it! No! 677 00:37:35,520 --> 00:37:37,253 Please! No! 678 00:37:38,390 --> 00:37:40,924 Oh, my god! No! 679 00:37:42,360 --> 00:37:45,127 Take a look now, Sideshow freak! 680 00:37:48,700 --> 00:37:50,633 [screams] 681 00:37:51,770 --> 00:37:53,703 So what? 682 00:37:53,772 --> 00:37:56,038 Even though Famous passed me by, 683 00:37:56,107 --> 00:37:58,174 I'm still popular enough At this school 684 00:37:58,242 --> 00:38:01,911 To take this hideous look And turn it into a teen trend. 685 00:38:01,980 --> 00:38:04,847 One last time, cherry. 686 00:38:04,916 --> 00:38:05,882 [buzzing] 687 00:38:05,950 --> 00:38:07,917 The combination To the locker. 688 00:38:07,986 --> 00:38:09,385 Okay! Please. 689 00:38:09,453 --> 00:38:12,288 My combo's My dream measurements: 690 00:38:12,357 --> 00:38:14,724 34-8-34. 691 00:38:21,300 --> 00:38:22,398 [meows] 692 00:38:22,467 --> 00:38:24,567 His name's wormy. 693 00:38:24,636 --> 00:38:26,569 Good news! The wedding's back on. 694 00:38:26,638 --> 00:38:28,905 Why, mother, how could this be? 695 00:38:28,973 --> 00:38:30,272 Don't be stupid, stupid. 696 00:38:30,341 --> 00:38:33,176 I was just bluffin' till Erik estrada signed the prenup. 697 00:38:33,244 --> 00:38:34,911 What the hell happened to you? 698 00:38:34,979 --> 00:38:36,913 You look like A make-a-wish kid. 699 00:38:36,981 --> 00:38:39,816 I knew you were gonna bring Shame on this new family. 700 00:38:39,884 --> 00:38:41,951 It figures you'd Make yourself over into some 701 00:38:42,020 --> 00:38:45,922 Skateboard chick on the only Day e! Could interview ya. 702 00:38:45,991 --> 00:38:47,890 E!, she's in here! 703 00:38:47,959 --> 00:38:49,893 What? No. 704 00:38:52,430 --> 00:38:54,597 Hi, e! 705 00:38:56,868 --> 00:39:00,202 [vincent] Who says That second-time brides And their teen helpers 706 00:39:00,271 --> 00:39:03,272 Need to look like typical Suburban nightmares? 707 00:39:03,341 --> 00:39:05,708 Witness these elegant Couture creations. 708 00:39:07,011 --> 00:39:08,377 Thank you, clementine. 709 00:39:08,446 --> 00:39:13,249 Kayla is wearing a bridesmaid's Dress by new belgian designer 710 00:39:13,318 --> 00:39:15,084 Oliver mcvessins. 711 00:39:15,153 --> 00:39:17,253 My, some tawny legs 712 00:39:17,321 --> 00:39:21,724 Stunningly showcased By sunshine apricot satin 713 00:39:21,793 --> 00:39:24,361 Makes this daring Ensemble a must 714 00:39:24,429 --> 00:39:25,962 For the chic High school bridesmaid. 715 00:39:28,567 --> 00:39:30,399 Lights, please. Thank you. 716 00:39:32,837 --> 00:39:36,673 Well, ladies, You've seen over 50 choices. 717 00:39:36,741 --> 00:39:38,841 Name your poison. Jane. 718 00:39:38,910 --> 00:39:40,777 Uh... 719 00:39:40,846 --> 00:39:44,013 Well, um... 720 00:39:44,082 --> 00:39:46,850 Actually, wayne, They were all... A delight. 721 00:39:46,918 --> 00:39:48,117 Really. 722 00:39:48,186 --> 00:39:49,852 Thank you. 723 00:39:49,921 --> 00:39:52,054 Mr. Vincent, my mom Is tryin' to say 724 00:39:52,123 --> 00:39:53,656 That all these Dresses sucked. 725 00:39:53,725 --> 00:39:54,691 Oh, sam. 726 00:39:54,759 --> 00:39:57,760 Ladies, disperse. 727 00:39:57,829 --> 00:40:00,663 Okay. Okay. They didn't Suck, but they're... 728 00:40:00,732 --> 00:40:03,600 I think what sam is trying To say is that, perhaps, 729 00:40:03,668 --> 00:40:06,836 They're a little... Too new york. 730 00:40:06,905 --> 00:40:08,170 There's no such thing. 731 00:40:08,239 --> 00:40:11,474 Um, mr. Vincent, maybe... 732 00:40:11,543 --> 00:40:13,510 Maybe what would Be really cool 733 00:40:13,578 --> 00:40:17,413 Is if we all could Just design our own dresses. 734 00:40:17,482 --> 00:40:20,382 Sam. Sam, That's a great idea. 735 00:40:20,451 --> 00:40:21,951 Yeah. A real pip. 736 00:40:22,020 --> 00:40:23,953 Not at all nightmarishly Time-consuming for one 737 00:40:24,022 --> 00:40:27,256 Who's still shaky and takes Up to 14 pills a day like me. 738 00:40:27,325 --> 00:40:29,893 Sam, how sweet You're being. 739 00:40:29,961 --> 00:40:32,061 How quaintly Cooperative. 740 00:40:32,130 --> 00:40:34,363 Little do they know About the petulant bad girl 741 00:40:34,432 --> 00:40:36,598 Lurking behind The judas grin. 742 00:40:36,667 --> 00:40:38,400 You're just Buttering them up 743 00:40:38,470 --> 00:40:40,202 To make the betrayal More satisfying. 744 00:40:40,271 --> 00:40:42,071 Nicole, what are You talking about? 745 00:40:42,140 --> 00:40:44,173 Do you wanna tell Your mother about 746 00:40:44,242 --> 00:40:46,275 Your little backstabbing Scheme, or should I? 747 00:40:47,779 --> 00:40:51,848 Okay. Then I'll Take the floor. 748 00:40:51,916 --> 00:40:54,416 Ms. Mcpherson, Sam came to me 749 00:40:54,486 --> 00:40:57,787 And asked me to help her stop The ceremony at any cost. 750 00:40:57,856 --> 00:40:59,288 Sam? 751 00:40:59,357 --> 00:41:02,424 I agreed to help screw up The securing of the church. 752 00:41:02,493 --> 00:41:04,026 Or that's what I told her. 753 00:41:04,095 --> 00:41:06,362 We went together And dropped off the check 754 00:41:06,431 --> 00:41:08,031 To father bob At st. Mary's, 755 00:41:08,099 --> 00:41:10,633 Where sam made a point Of securing the church 756 00:41:10,702 --> 00:41:12,802 For may 18, 2002. 757 00:41:14,338 --> 00:41:17,406 But we want the church For this year in two weeks. 758 00:41:17,476 --> 00:41:21,010 I know. That's why I went back And undid sam's hatchet job. 759 00:41:21,079 --> 00:41:24,881 Brooky, jane, Don't worry. 760 00:41:24,949 --> 00:41:28,150 Thanks to me, the wedding Will happen on time. 761 00:41:30,221 --> 00:41:32,554 Well, I... I don't believe you. 762 00:41:32,623 --> 00:41:34,791 I don't think that Sam would do that. 763 00:41:34,859 --> 00:41:36,558 [beeping] hello? 764 00:41:36,627 --> 00:41:38,727 Hi. Father bob, It nicole julian. 765 00:41:38,797 --> 00:41:40,729 Yeah. Hold on. 766 00:41:44,969 --> 00:41:47,937 Tension, tension, Tension, tension! 767 00:41:48,006 --> 00:41:50,072 Miss mcqueen, water. Water. 768 00:41:50,141 --> 00:41:51,741 I need my pills. [jane] Hello. 769 00:41:51,810 --> 00:41:54,811 Seems I can't trust Anyone these days, huh? 770 00:41:54,880 --> 00:41:57,614 Yeah. Especially somebody who's Waited all year to get payback. 771 00:41:57,682 --> 00:41:59,481 Have fun in The time-out chair. 772 00:41:59,551 --> 00:42:02,218 Looks like you're gonna Be in there for months. 773 00:42:02,286 --> 00:42:06,122 Ms. Mcpherson, I hope that This proves once and for all 774 00:42:06,190 --> 00:42:08,391 I'm not a bad Influence on brooky. 775 00:42:08,459 --> 00:42:11,727 I just want what's best For her and her family. 776 00:42:13,364 --> 00:42:15,798 How could you do this to me? 777 00:42:15,867 --> 00:42:18,367 To this family? 778 00:42:18,436 --> 00:42:20,769 This isn't my family. 779 00:42:20,839 --> 00:42:23,439 My family is you and me. 780 00:42:23,507 --> 00:42:25,908 At least it used to be. 781 00:42:36,688 --> 00:42:38,587 [yawns] 782 00:43:06,484 --> 00:43:08,751 "To mike, mom, and brooke. 783 00:43:08,820 --> 00:43:11,087 "I'm very sorry For the church debacle, 784 00:43:11,155 --> 00:43:13,089 "And I hope everyone Can forgive me. 785 00:43:13,157 --> 00:43:15,324 "Still, I cannot Participate in something 786 00:43:15,393 --> 00:43:18,895 "I know in my heart Is the wrong choice. 787 00:43:18,963 --> 00:43:22,865 Have a nice wedding and have A nice life. Good-bye." 788 00:43:22,934 --> 00:43:24,033 Sam? 789 00:43:38,116 --> 00:43:41,683 ♪ to bend and not to break ♪ 790 00:43:41,752 --> 00:43:45,454 ♪ chin up, try not to quake ♪ 791 00:43:45,523 --> 00:43:48,958 ♪ I'm grinning on the outside ♪ 792 00:43:49,027 --> 00:43:52,895 ♪ but I'm a wreck internally ♪ 793 00:43:54,966 --> 00:43:58,434 ♪ ooh, la la la la ♪ 794 00:44:02,406 --> 00:44:06,375 ♪ ooh, la la la la ♪